Slightly Flawed

Friday 7.29am

I like to think of myself as the perfect well rounded individual. Rounded, yes but I am working on that (must eat less, must eat less, . . ). But perfect, no. Mostly I feel more like an item on Antiques Roadshow. The crowds will be there gathered round the tables, the television cameras will close in as the expert carefully unwraps me from my supermarket carrier bag and newspaper covering. "Oh, how beautifull" he'll say as he gently picks me out of the wrapping. "These are very collectable at the moment, very collectable. Just last week a piece such as this in good condition sold for over a million pounds". The audience breath in sharply and the old codger that brought me holds his breath and goes very still, not daring to think about what the expert has just said. " Ah but if you look carefully here" he says running his finger across my skin "If you look carefully you can see a flaw running across here" The audience lean forwards in a vain attempt to see as he continues " A beautiful piece, and I am sure it will give you much pleasure to own, how did you come about it?" As the old man tells his tale the audience begin to get restless and look around. The expert is just going through the motions now, his eyes straying along the queue looking for the next morsel. The audience is dying to get away but there is just one last thing . . . . " The value?" says the expert " In this condition I should think, oh . . . . 3 pounds. On a good day that is." And with that edict my fate is sealed.

In public I often feel like that - flawed. Those around me look me over and dismiss me as worthless in a matter of seconds.

I wonder what they are looking for that they cannot find?

Vision

Sunday 3.33pm

I have a few ongoing projects, especially in cooking. Naan bread is one, pizza another and mayonnaise yet another. I do not tackle them all the time, and I don't stress over them, just every now and again I'll have another go at one or another, today it was mayonnaise. I know what I am after something plain and creamy, pretty much like "Helmann's" or "Best Foods" here in New Zealand, but one that I have made and know exactly what has gone into it.
But what am I chasing?, what brings me back to try again and again. I think it is the vision in my head, that thing that I cannot describe and yet can taste, smell and see in my mind. And when what I make matches that I'll know. Vision and doing go hand in hand in achieving anything. Yes it is also good to play around every now and again just to see what can be discovered, but as I get older I am noticing more and more the power of visualisation.

Life is never dull when you know where you are heading.

Holidays

Wednesday 10.16am

I always resist going on holiday. " It is too expensive", "I can't spare the time away" "There's too much to do here" etc, etc. But once I decide to go and then actually do it , I am always glad I did and it usually turns out that the more I oppose the idea the more I actually need a holiday.

The problem with being at home is that I am surrounded by reminders of what I should or could be doing. If I was better at getting things done I would have all these "open loops" in my head written down and accounted for, but that is an ongoing project and by no means under control yet. Being away frees my mind from all of that and suddenly the world seems a much bigger place. But actually, although my conscious mind is relaxing my subconscious is still working away. I have had some of my best ideas, the solutions to problems that just have me stumped, when I get stuck and finally take a break. A walk, a trip to an art gallery or garden or just sitting in a cafe watching the world go by all work for me, but holidays are best.

Holidays are for doing whatever you feel like. For eating whatever and whenever you want. And especially for walking along the beach at six thirty in the morning because you were both awake and you can always go back to bed again later if you want.