Be still and know

Monday 3.45pm

Meditation they say is good for you. The problem I have found is finding somewhere quiet and undisturbed to practice in. Not anymore. I have discovered the perfect place, and if you have the same problem don't worry, it is open to everybody, 24 hours a day, in all major cities, smaller ones too. And the name of this oasis of calm - the hospital E.D. ( thats the emergency department or A.&E. - accident and emergency if you are abroad ). Anyway, back to meditation. Firstly you need something to concentrate your mind upon. You could use your breathing but if you think about it, there is something much better, yes the pain ! Now all you need is a place where you will not be disturbed for a while. Well once you have booked in and doen some paperwork a finger will come over the desk pointing to the waiting room and here nothing happens for hours, perfect. Now just sit and clear your mind, thoughts may try to come and go but don't worry, the pain will easily block them out. Are you thinking about how you got here ? what will happen ? Don't, detach yourself from thoughts of the future and the past, there is only now. This is not as hard as it sounds because here no one will tell you what is happening or how long you'll be waiting. A person dressed in blue pyjamas may come and stare around the room occasionally but will leave without speaking and was probably the cleaner anyway, detach yourself, there is only the moment, now. A very, very long now. With practice the human condition will become apparent to you as the room fills with still tableau of human misery, as seperate from you as you are from your thoughts. Let it pass, concentrate . . . . there is only now.
Mind you if you do not take the meditative approach you are in trouble. Your visit will be more like torture by sensory deprivation. Nothing happens, time stretches out and out then stops, becomes still. The warm sticky air coalesces until it is impossible to breathe, talking is stifled, you cannot call for help, there is no escape . . . . . no escape.

Showering

Wednesday morning 8am

Hospitals scare me. Not in a " boo ", jump, ha ha way but deeply in that place under the bed or behind behind the wardrobe in my mind. A place so deep and so frightening that I am scared to even think about it. It is not death that scares me. If I was run over tomorrow, ok I would be a bit pissed off but it happens. I think it might be the slow run up to an inevitable death that is the problem. It is what torture works on - the fact that is going to happen and there is nothing you can do about it. Lack of control ? - perhaps, it certainly explains my abhorrence of animal experimentation.
This was all brought on by the bathroom here. There is a big shower enclosure, but also a bath with one of those chair lift things over it. Modern hospitals are not to bad, it is mostly beeping electronic machines, but wartime or fifties hospitals with their clumsy mechanical stuff like iron lungs absolutely petrify me.

I think I may have some issues that need addressing here