Worry

Monday 8pm

Back at work today after a weeks holiday. Absolutely worn out now. Not because of work but because I woke up at four o'clock this morning worrying, and did not get really get back to sleep. Well not until six and of course thats when the alarm went off. What is the purpose of worry ? My first patient this morning was going to be a more complicated job and I knew I would be a bit short of time. And so for two hours this morning this went over and over, round and round, in my head, all the things that could go wrong. But in the end it all went fine and we finished on time. So what is the purpose of worrying ? Whatever is going to happen will happen, right or wrong, worrying does not affect it one little bit, yet I cannot stop. And it is always four in the morning for me, I worry about one thing then I worry that I am worrying about it then I worry that I am not sleeping because of the worrying then I worry that I will miss the alarm then I worry that I will be tired and not do that one thing well because I was awake worrying . . . . . help. Actually I think it is a sign of a lack of self confidence on my part. Sitting idly the other day the thought suddenly came to me that what I am really worried about, deep down inside under all those rocks, one of the squirmy tentacled things of my mind is the fear that I will be discovered, that someone will suddenly pop up and say " Aha ! caught you. What do you think you are doing pretending to be a dentist. And what do you mean you're good at it ? Who told you that ? Well, we are all the other dentists and we say you are rubbish, so there " A daft thought that hides when you put the light on but in the dark its the tentacled things that pull the strings in my mind.
If I was an evil demon I think I would send a plague of worrying onto people. That would certainly bring the world to a halt. But I would probably worry about that as well.

Photo is of course an aeroplane, something I never worry about. But the deep ocean where ships sail, well . . . .