Monday, 12 July 2010

We can cure you . . .


“You will get better” my doctor kept saying on that first visit, “We will cure you”. I know that he was just being positive to balance my negativity so that hopefully I would not throw myself off the nearest cliff (a possibility not as far from the truth a you may think), but afterwards as I sat in a cafe thinking about it my first thought was no I don’t want to be cured. This was something new, a part of me that had always been there but I had not realised, and I wanted to say hello first, to make friends rather than swat it like the mosquito on your arm that you kill without thinking.

Diagnosis can be a double edged sword. For some like myself it can be a revelation, suddenly everything clicks into place. I now was not a normal person who could not cope as I had always thought, but a depressed person who was doing the best he could, my past made more sense now. The danger comes if you use the diagnosis as a crutch, an excuse for not coping. I have a pregnant friend and it is amazing the things she cannot do now “because she is pregnant”. Like getting up and boiling the kettle to make herself a cup of coffee for instance! This route is to be avoided at all costs because then the diagnosis owns you, it takes control feeding your blackness as you spiral further down. No lets not go there . . .

Instead use this new discovery about yourself make friends with it understand this new part of yourself and use it, like a dog or a horse perhaps. Treat it kindly and it will return the favour helping you go places you could not otherwise get to, it’s intuition may even help you in times of danger but ultimately you remain in charge.

Having discovered all the artists that have suffered from depression, like Van Gogh I now see my depression as the artistic part of my nature pushing through to be noticed. It has made me stop and think . . . a good thing to do do occasionally I reckon.

But talking about stopping and thinking, do not forget the people around you - depression can be very inward looking and isolating but to cope you are going to need your friends, and I am so lucky to have Nicola alongside me . . .


Depression may be dark, but life will never be dull if it is part of you . . .

4 comments:

Vickie said...

Good to see you are embracing the dragon. Every good wish for you in your journey. I love your insightful writing.

Laura Paine Carr said...

Yes, yes, and more yes.

(and keep writing!)

If you are interested, I am good good friends with several books that have shed light into the crevasse for me, and for my husband. I could send you the titles (my email is on my blog).

My family has "dealt with" and continues to work, with depression. What you are doing, while it may not feel like it, is the "hero's journey." You are courageous and virtuous. You consider yourself, and your Beloveds: you have much in your favor!

And yes. Your artist is throwing a big tantrum!!! Creativity cannot be squelched by reason, drugs or denial ;-) It will get loose, regardless. Thank goodness.

You have a cheering section! Yeah!

Lynne said...

I'm glad I found your blogs so accidentally. My beautiful 20 year old daughter has been diagnosed with depression and is currently on a sickness benefit as she was firstly unable to hold down a job, and then unable to stick with her studies. It's been agonising watching her struggle and not knowing how to help. She has recently (at last - hallelujah!) accepted she might benefit from counselling and has been told she has a "pathologic critic". I had to google that, and it rings true for her.
Probably completely different to your experiences, yet somehow reading yours helped a little.

Peter said...

Hi Lynne - I am sorry to hear about your daughter but it looks like she beginning the path to recovery. I am no expert but i think it is what goes on inside your head that has to be faced.
Hang in there - it must be frustrating, especially as a mother not to be able to do anything except watch, but just the fact that you are there for her and understand is probably enough at the moment.

I found a book - "living with a Black Dog" in Hastings library (I think) and it is written for those around the depressed person

All the best

peter

(did you find the barley?)

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